Yelp Reviews that Really Marsh My ‘Mellow’

yelp-1I finally came to Maxwell Medical today after a few years of seeing them give out fliers when I came out of the subway in the morning. The free half hour massage took forever for me to take up on. I finally got it tonight, as well as my consultation with doctor Ron. When I asked to see the prices, the receptionist told me it would be covered under my insurance and i could get up to 24 visits. I was thrilled! I got my massage from Kelly, and her deep tissue massage was very deep! She said she got all my knots out, and I think i felt them come out too. My back is as sore as shit right now, but she said it would ultimately feel better after the soreness goes away and I get used to relieving all the tension in my back. I have to go back for another consultation, so we will see if there is a catch. The free massage was great though. Everyone there is super nice.And after reading the reviews on citysearch, who cares about privacy? The place is private enough!

Thank you to my co-worker for bringing this crap fest to my attention.

Hmmmm – giving out fliers outside the subway definitely equals nowhere I would ever want to go and a free half hour massage equals no such thing.
How seriously can you take a place where Dr. Ron works?  Do they do that to seem more accessible? I pretty much want to go to a doctor who I can respect as a thoroughly skilled professional, not someone who may, at some point, invite me to a backyard barbeque with Dr. Joey and Dr. Candice (also known by her regulars as Dr. Candy both for the lollipops she dispenses and it being her stage name at that after hours place where she moonlights on alternate Saturdays).

I am super impressed that Kelly got out all your knots in 30 minutes. That seems like a miracle to me. And by miracle I mean the biggest load of shit I have ever laid ears on. I would be hating on Kelly pretty hard right now but I have limited hate energy and I’m not done hating you for thinking you felt them come out. REALLY?!  You felt them come out? Please share with us exactly what that feels like? Did they fall out onto the floor to be collected by the knot sweeper? Did you see them leave your body as phantasms and slowly dissipate into thin air? Maybe it was just gas and you’re just a simple-minded tool ball who wears those sweatpants with words across the ass – like ‘juicy’ because you’re definitely not looking for attention and are not the girl who gets mad at guys who leer at them even though you have an actual advertisement for your ass on your ass.

Back to Maxwell Medical because no one gets off that easy here.
Just look at all those glowing shiny reviews on Yelp!  They’re definitely not fake at all. Must just be a coincidence that most of those people have never reviewed anything before but were so moved by their incredible experience that they needed to five star your ass.
I wonder what would happen if I (I mean someone) would write a negative review about how I actually felt Kelly add more knots to my back than I came in with?

Well at least I know what I’m doing today.

 

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Yelp Reviews That Really Marsh My ‘Mellow’.

?????????My wife (Jagsheeemash!) and I were looking for a legit massage after a weekend of walking around and exploring NYC, so we did a little research and found this hidden gem in Chinatown.  We just cruised by, walked in, saw they were running a couple of weekly specials, got set up and each had hella legit hour long massages that worked out all the kinks and stiff spots.  This is the type of massage I always want and wish I had closer to home.  Give me the no nonsense, stress relieving massage, any day and every day over the swank and overpriced day-spa.  One of the better massages I’ve had in a long time.

So is ‘Jagsheeemash’ your wife or an animated lion from a Disney movie? She must be pretty fucking awesome for you to use such strong punctuation after declaring that.  Did your check finally clear with Vietnamesecatalogbride.com? Yes, of course I am now looking that up to see if it’s a real site because I know you are. Please let Espy not come over and check my search history and find Hot Asian Brides. Please let that not happen.

I think you’ve made it very clear that you were looking for a LEGIT massage since you mentioned it twice and since you know New York City is all about prostitutes, muggers and drugs.  Especially prostitutes giving illegal massages. Really glad you got yourself a legit one and a ‘hella legit’ one at that.  I appreciate  what you were trying to say but you kinda said it very wrong and that makes me want to steal your wallet. But that’s probably just the New Yorker in me.

Yelp Reviews That Really Marsh My ‘Mellow

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I’ll start from the beginning of my experience. Reception very nice. I showed up a half hour before my appointment to have time to relax and change, and maybe a sauna. She showed me the locker room, which was fine, but nothing special, and told me to go sit in the lounge once I changed.  I came back out to ask if I had to go there right away, or if I could relax in the sauna a bit since I was early. She said no problem. So I went to the sauna, and it was out of order (no mention by receptionist).   I then went and sat in the lounge, and filled out a form where they asked me if there was any part of my body I didn’t want massaged. I said I didn’t want my belly massaged, even though most don’t do that.  I waited until the time of my appointment (too much time to sit in front of brownies and not eat them), and then about 10 minutes after the appointment time, the therapist came in. She brought me to the room and asked me if I wanted anything special. I told her I wanted her to spend a good part of the time on my hamstrings and pyraformis muscle because they were very tight, and less time on other parts.  She then proceeded to tell me her hands were strong and I should let her know if she should lighten up.  I didn’t find them particularly strong, so I asked if she could apply a little extra pressure when she got to my hamstrings. She replied that I could upgrade to a deep tissue massage if I wanted to. The Blissage description had said, among other things, that it will target my most troubled muscles. The upsell basically ruined my mood, but it only got worse.  She spent very little time on my hamstrings and pyraformis, and rushed through my whole back side. She then flipped me over and informed me that they do the tummy at Bliss.  I asked her not to and reminded her of what I wrote on the form, which she obviously hadn’t read.  She then rushed through the front side and when she got to my feet, she went on FOREVER (like this review?)  She clearly didnt’ time it well, so decided to spend all the extra time on my feet. It got to the point of being irritating. I had something on my eyes, so couldn’t see her, but it was clear she wasn’t even paying attention to what she was doing because the rubbing basically kept stopping and starting (she may have been texting).  She finally finished, and I looked at my watch and she had not extended the time after being 10 minutes late, so basically gave me a 65 minute massage for the price of 75 minutes.  Needless to say I am not inclined to return.

First, when writing a review keep in mind that people have other things to do. Keep it to the point. I had to edit out half your review because it was an endless, moronic clusterfuck of boring crap that enriched zero persons.  I found myself wanting to rip out my eyes and swallow them.
No one gives a shit how long you were sitting in front of brownies. I know you think you’re adorable & amusing but if you have an intense desire to write tedious, random piffle, start a blog.

And if your piriformis muscle was that important to you, you’d stop spelling it wrong.

You basically booked a Swedish massage. The description under Blissage 75 clearly describes it as a ‘ridiculously relaxing rubdown’.  Just because it targets ‘troubled muscles’ doesn’t mean it’s ‘deep’ work, shithead. If you want deep-tissue, book a deep-tissue. If you had read the menu you’d have seen a sports massage that includes “deep-tissue work”. It’s not an upsell if they are asking you to pay for the service you are requesting.

She probably wasn’t paying attention to the massage because she was way too busy contemplating cool ways to kill you and dispose of your body (especially your piriformis muscle), as well as trying to remember if she needed to stop and get cat litter on the way home. It’s quite challenging to juggle all those things at one time. If indeed she was texting, it was to her arms dealer to bring her the largest weapon available that would induce the most pain possible.
And we all wish she would have.

Yelp reviews that really marsh my ‘mellow’.

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Now on to the massage. It was definitely “meh”.  I had slept wrong the night before and the entire right side of my body was tied in knots.  Even though my massage therapist had asked me if there were any areas of particular focus, there wasn’t much more focus on that area than any other parts of my body.  In addition, the pressure wasn’t great even though I asked her to be firmer and at some points, I question whether or not she was even around the right muscle group.  Very nice, just not a very effective massage.  I left feeling just as “tight” as when I arrived.  My guess is that she’s a newbie, although my spa companion had a similar underwhelming experience.

Wow.  I didn’t even have to read past the pretentious, obnoxious spelling of your name (Sandee with 2 e’s) before wanting to fuck you in the ass with your own face.

Was the entire right side of your body literally ‘tied in knots’?  I’m not a medical professional but that sounds like some serious shit. Were they more like sailor’s knots or (finger’s crossed) the kind used to hang yourself with, because right now those are the only ones I’m picturing.

I am also hearing that you are questioning whether the TRAINED PROFESSIONAL was even around the right muscle group? You mean the muscle group that caused the knot tying? Maybe I missed that day in massage school, but according to your shitty, vague description of what you needed that day I couldn’t imagine anyone understanding what in bloody hell that could possibly mean.

And with your tremendous experience in the massage therapy industry you’ve decided she was a ‘newbie’?  I only wish (with one of my 3 genie wishes) that you could say that to my face before I immersed your head in a bucket of dirty mop water containing all the pee extracted from the floors around the men’s urinal. Then I could explain in detailed detail what an ignorant dick bitch you are.

Double e.  Gross.
Get a ‘y’ and don’t come back ’til you do.

Yelp reviews that really marsh my ‘mellow’.

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This place is ok.  Not the best, and not the worst.
I got the Swedish massage for $60, and I was able to use a $50 gift certificate from Spa Finder (they don’t accept those in their Chelsea location, fyi).  The hole for the face was not very comfortable; their piece of paper they put on top kept sticking to my face.  The massage wasn’t very ahhh soothing, maybe it was too light because I passed out for about half my massage.
Did it work out the kinks in my back?  Nope.

Let me do a little math here. In using your Spa Finder gift certificate, you ended up spending a whopping tenfuckingdollars on a one hour massage and feel entitled to whine about the face hole in the table?
(slams hand on buzzer)
Sorry Lili. Wrong answer.

Ten dollars.
A pack of cigarettes cost thirteen.  I’m sure if they were cheaper, you’d choose cancer over that 60 minute massage to save a few bucks.

And just to clarify your fucked up understanding of why you passed out for about half your massage:
(besides the fact that you were probably up all night snorting coke from one of those Hello Kitty cocaine straws)
The massage was relaxing and your body needed the rest.
Someone had both the skill and the compassion to take away the stress from your pathetic little life for even an elfin stretch.
You didn’t deserve it.

I don’t claim to know everything but I can guarantee this with all I am; you have absolutely no fucking clue what a ‘kink’ is.
And I’m not gonna tell you.
Nonny nonny poo poo.

Yelp reviews that marsh my ‘mellow’.

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He rubbed me down for about 5 minutes through the towel which was bizarre, but I guess he was just warming up bc then he rolled back the blanket and got to work. I would have been happy staying on my stomach throughout the session but he turned me over and worked on my arms a bit, which was an odd choice given I told him I’d dislocated my shoulders, so he wasn’t terribly effective there, and the face up is always awkward with the lights in your eye and basically playing dead so you don’t have to make eye contact or reveal any expression.

Rubbing you down for 5 minutes through the towel is not bizarre at all.
Rubbing you down through the towel with an elephant tusk WOULD be bizarre.

Here is what I would consider to be some simple, commonsensical advice:
If you have dislocated your shoulders, stay home until they have healed and you don’t have to put the therapist in the ridiculously uncomfortable position of being afraid to, I don’t know, cause you pain? Undermine a proper healing regimen? Cause further injury?  And how exactly did you dislocate both shoulders?

And trust me, face-up is always awkward for we therapists too. Especially if the lights are in your ‘eye’ (meaning you only have one and are possibly a cyclops).
Next time try being dead instead of just playing.  That would work better for all of us, both in the magical kingdom and here in the real world.