Massage Envy petitions


so done with this massage envy petition thing.
of course i originally signed it because that’s what sheep do.
then i briefly got a job managing a similar place. and i learned stuff.

and i need you all to shut the fuck up about this already.
know why?

because unless i have lost my sight completely, there are zero petitions about the horrific, unfair, borderline abusive ways we’ve been treated at all the other spas we’ve worked at.
because although we were paid well with benefits including high commissions, full health insurance, matching 401k and sick days,  it didn’t make these places any better than massage envy.
not by anydamnone’s measure.
we’ve been summoned to work with no clean linens, no air-conditioning in 1000 degree weather in basements with cockroaches and verbal abuse. but we got paid well so i guess no petition warranted.

stop sending me those emails and work on something productive, like shutting your everlasting pieholes.



Leave the Judging to Amy.


You would think I’d learn from the multiple thousands of times I’ve been wrong about this. But learning seems overrated most of the time.

It must somehow benefit me to decide, upon first view, that my robed client is gonna be a demanding asshat or a misinformed miscreant (very aware I could have simply used the word ‘jerk’ but I love this word. I don’t know why, I just do).

Jesus, they’re just sitting there doing nothing.  They couldn’t be doing more nothing and probably not even wearing underwear doing nothing.

I am wrong almost 200 percent of the time.  Those are the clients that end up being the nicest and the least demanding, in search of  a little love or even less, just a lie-down.

So don’t judge them because they’re nervous or having a bad day. Wait until they deserve it.  And don’t worry, they will.

Should I go to massage school?

“There are two avenues for broken lost people; they either find Jesus or become massage therapists”
-Marc Maron/Comedian

Absolutely yes.
Go to massage school.

It is without a doubt the most rewarding & fun job you could possibly get paid to do (besides eating cake and getting finger fucked simultaneously).
Jesus. That was absolutely revolting, inappropriate…and true.

Even at it’s worst, it’s twelve thousand times better than sitting in a cubicle performing tasks a mildly retarded monkey could accomplish while also being pressured into superficially signing endless birthday cards and chipping in for mediocre last minute stale birthday cakes for every god damn employee who works within 100 feet of your utterly sad workspace.

You will ALWAYS own the skill of massage therapy.
You will ALWAYS have a way to make a living.
Not a great living.  Whatever.

I have worked with the most wonderful, loving, talented, creative, hard-working, thoughtful, bright, and fun people imaginable.
Don’t tell them that.  Let’s let them think they are the mindless fools I make reference to.

It costs a lot of money.
Everything costs a lot of money.
But you’re gonna get way more bang for your buck than that $100,000 you spent on plastic surgery to look like Justin Bieber.  Sorry, I’m not quite over that yet.

I love what I do.
I really do.

Yelp reviews that marsh my ‘mellow’.


He rubbed me down for about 5 minutes through the towel which was bizarre, but I guess he was just warming up bc then he rolled back the blanket and got to work. I would have been happy staying on my stomach throughout the session but he turned me over and worked on my arms a bit, which was an odd choice given I told him I’d dislocated my shoulders, so he wasn’t terribly effective there, and the face up is always awkward with the lights in your eye and basically playing dead so you don’t have to make eye contact or reveal any expression.

Rubbing you down for 5 minutes through the towel is not bizarre at all.
Rubbing you down through the towel with an elephant tusk WOULD be bizarre.

Here is what I would consider to be some simple, commonsensical advice:
If you have dislocated your shoulders, stay home until they have healed and you don’t have to put the therapist in the ridiculously uncomfortable position of being afraid to, I don’t know, cause you pain? Undermine a proper healing regimen? Cause further injury?  And how exactly did you dislocate both shoulders?

And trust me, face-up is always awkward for we therapists too. Especially if the lights are in your ‘eye’ (meaning you only have one and are possibly a cyclops).
Next time try being dead instead of just playing.  That would work better for all of us, both in the magical kingdom and here in the real world.

Why drink water after a massage?

72percent water

Because I said so.

And although I never seem to get tired of doing stupid things (watching violent crime shows right before bed and then having nightmares about severed heads or eating too much sugar and then waking up every hour forever and then seriously contemplating why that keeps happening but not requesting that Dr. Doom stop buying Sour Patch Kids and soda), at least I know I’m stupid. That’s gotta be good for something.

As I was editing this post, I was both impressed and confused with the information I gathered until I realized that I wasn’t the one who wrote it.  Heh.  It was from a spa blog called Milk + Honey out of Texas.  I like their explanation of the importance of drinking water especially after a massage.

Have you ever wondered why you are told to drink extra water after a massage?  Your therapist is not just honing a nurturing instinct or lecturing you on good health. When your muscles are manipulated during a massage waste materials and other toxins are released from the muscles and into the blood stream. Just like when you exercise, massage, especially deep tissue or sports massage, dehydrates muscles and removes electrolytes. In order to help your kidneys process and flush out these toxins, it is important to drink additional water. Water will help prevent unnecessary soreness, possible nausea, and an overall sluggish feeling. Your body is happy to get rid of all the “junk” it has been storing but you need to help it along with extra H2O. Keeping your muscles hydrated regularly helps keep the tissue supple and healthy reducing tension and spasm.

There is debate about the actual amount of water that is considered the right amount. A good way to know you are hydrated is to make a point to drink your 8 glasses a day and if your urine is clear then, you are hydrated. If you are already a pro at staying hydrated, then go ahead and tack on an extra 3-4 glasses of water after a massage. Every body is different so you might have to test it out and see how much is enough for you. If the day after a massage you are stiff and fatigued, add on a couple more glasses the next go around. You will find your body feeling renewed and rejuvenated.

In my own experience, last time I had a deep tui-na massage I forgot to drink water. Of course I did.  I had no specific requests because my body was in such sad shape that I seriously didn’t care what she did. It was some rad deep work and I allowed it because although I would be sore for a few days, I would feel great after that.  I walked home afterwards because I forgot that I don’t like to walk anywhere and I had little clue where I was or who I was after getting off  that massage table.  When I arrived home I felt dizzy and nauseated.  I decided that I had contracted the flu and began going through a list of clients I had worked on that day who I could hate for selfishly spreading their unforgivable rotten germs with me.  Then it hit me like one would a crack whore asking for the product before the service.  How did I fail to realize that this therapist beat the living hell out of my body and I needed to flush out the crap that was begging to get out?

Just drink water. I bet crack whores never drink enough water.

Superficial much?

images-3You don’t have to look like a butch dyke or weigh 300lbs to be a good massage therapist…but you would think so.

I work with some really cute therapists – even some male stripper material. Yet when I look online at every massage publication on the shelves, it seems all the therapists look like they live in El Paso, Tx or Binghamton, NY and only get their haircut at “Supercuts” or the barber shop.
I’ve also checked and it’s not against the law to practice massage therapy under the age of 60 & you are not limited to Dress Barn or K-mart to buy your entire wardrobe.
While we’re on the topic – Dress Barn?
Barn – A barn is an agricultural building used for storage. It may sometimes be used to house livestock or to store farming vehicles and equipment.  How is this somewhere you’d want to buy your clothing if you weren’t, say, a farmer?  Now ‘Dairy Barn’ makes perfect sense.  They sell milk, eggs, bacon, yodels – things you would expect to find on a farm or were produced by critters housed in a barn.  Venue for a pig roast – barn. Hoedown throwdown – barn.  Somewhere to purchase something appropriate to wear to those functions?
Dress Barn.

If money is the issue, thrift stores sell stuff that is cheap and you may actually get something attractive that might accidentally have been made by a fashion designer  (says the girl whose wardrobe consists of basically the same 3 black shirts and something beige when she’s feeling bold).

It has no reflection on your abilities to be a kind-hearted and talented therapist if you brush your hair sometimes & put on some mascara.

You needn’t be a runway model or a Baldwin or anything but is it wrong to not want a sweaty, fat, unkempt mess with bad breath to work on me?  Nah.

Just because you work in a field whose philosophy is based on healing & compassion, doesn’t mean you have to shy away from a shower or possibly a manicure.

Death becomes them…

My daughter, Espy, told me that under no circumstances was I permitted to write about how awesome it would be massaging dead people instead of living people.  She thought I would get arrested.
Even after I explained how I wouldn’t be doing the actual killing, she still wouldn’t allow it.

But I’m the mommy & I win.

I’m getting goosebumps just thinking of how dreamy it would be to walk into a massage room without my ass-kissing spa persona and just get to do some great work.
Maybe a little aromatherapy to cover up the stench, depending on the time of death.

Just think about it.  No more demands or condescension. No more clients nervous energy keeping them from letting go.
No more covering their eyes with a diaper drape so they can’t watch me working on them. I mean, their eyes would probably be open but it doesn’t really matter because they’d be dead.

True, live clients may sometimes smell better, but their breath would be about the same.
And yes, I would have to remove the toe tag to massage their feet but I wouldn’t have to get them water or tea or offer them use of the sauna.

Nothing is wrong with me – I’m just having fun here.

Shitty co-workers

I’ve worked with some real bitchtards in my life.  Some of the worst have been during my stint in the spa industry. I know… you think we’re all enlightened, spiritual beings, who wear Birkenstocks & braid eachother’s hair because our jobs are housed in candlelit, serene atmospheres with soft music playing and people drinking tea and shit.
I have grown considerably in the years since my first spa job.  I can’t imagine how I would have survived this long if I hadn’t changed my attitude.  I used to be an incredibly angry, annoying, overly sensitive, nightmarish shrew.  Now, at most, I’m annoying & whiny but the angry shrew thing was getting me nowhere so I left it behind and have never missed it.

Just a few examples of what it looks like behind those closed, charming spa doors:

*I worked with one aesthetician who would take all of the small towels from the clean laundry in the morning and lock her door when she went out to lunch so we couldn’t have any.
*Therapists would steal the receptionist’s passwords so they could get into the computer system and move the more expensive & easier treatments to their books.
*Many of them would start their clients late (as much as a half hour) and give them the full time, even though the client had additional treatments and we’d all have to either start everyone late or cut their massages short which had a ripple effect on the entire day.
*Inappropriate chatter from co-workers I didn’t even know.  I once made the mistake of informing a new therapist I was adopted (when she mentioned wanting kids). She responded by revealing that she was a child of rape and was thinking of committing suicide. My only hope was that she followed through before our next scheduled shift together.
*Takers.  Co-workers who ask for free massages & facials consistently offering nothing in return.  First day on the job, a new manager sent her minion to my room to let me know she wanted me to give her a massage. A free massage. Someone I met 16 minutes ago!  I decided the best course of action  was to simply disappear.  Hiding in the hair salon became one of my regular safe havens. I learned early on that once you start working on people for free, word gets around and you become more used than a Kardashian’s pusshole.

I used to just dread the days I worked with dim-witted stale twats. I’ve since found that it’s too stressful & it affected me on such an intense level, that I simply just dropped those shifts.  I’d rather make less money on a slower shift than deal with the frustration of wishing people would die and them not doing so.
One of my favorite awful therapists was completely insane and not in a fun way, like the girl who would fill her water bottle with vodka to drink in the room. (I learned about that one shocking day when I was extremely thirsty and grabbed it to take a swig).  This one left in the middle of  a couple’s massage – BECAUSE SHE WAS HUNGRY.

How was I able to become this wise, sophisticated, accepting being?
Kidding. (partially)
Therapy.  Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to be precise.  I sadly learned that not everything is about me and every situation has 2 truths. (at least)  There is usually a decent reason people behave poorly.  It doesn’t make it ok, it just makes life bearable.

Any shitty co-worker stories to share?


Are there seriously acupressure points that can cause a miscarriage?

It depends who you ask.

Since this is my blog, I am assuming you are asking me, so no.  I think it’s a load of horse shit.  Jesus – that was a pretty big statement to own.

I believe in the general philosophy & benefits of Shiatsu massage (this link takes you to a very basic & simple understanding of Shiatsu).
I’ve taken Shiatsu classes in massage school & it is an amazing form of massage therapy. However, when they warned us in massage school to never press on certain acupressure points because it may stimulate the uterus and cause miscarriage, I was smothered by a truckload of skepticism. 

The absolute BEST massage I’ve ever experienced in my life was a Shiatsu session in a spa in California.  I don’t remember the name of the spa since it was over 10 years ago and my long term memory is only a distant memory.  I absolutely lost my mind the other day when I forgot the date my daughter was born!  I knew it was in May and it had a 2 in it but it was gone – I almost called her dad to find out, but realized I was risking him having me committed, or even worse, not being committed. Back from squirreling (I can’t help but giggle every time I use that term now), the massage… what I do remember is this – I was initially surprised because I never had a Shiatsu massage on a table, and assumed it would suck.  I was never more wrong about anything in my life.  (Wouldn’t that be awesome if that seriously was the biggest thing I was wrong about in my life?)  This therapist moved around the table like a whirlwind. One minute he was working on my feet, then hopped over the table to stretch my neck – it was insane!  When I got up off the table, I felt drunk ,without the nausea & vomiting.  I couldn’t drive.  I was in the heaven I don’t even believe in.

HOWEVER, do I believe that by pressing on certain pressure points on the body you can expel a fetus?  No.  No I certainly do not.

And I am considering conducting a nationwide search to find the ignorant douchebag who wrote this claptrap of complete garbage:
“How to use Acupressure to Complete a Miscarriage”.
There are a few things about this article that are causing me complete distress.  One of them is the nonchalant manner in which it is written. It could easily have been a guide on How to Fold a Paper Airplane, rather than a step by step guide on How to Kill Your Unborn Child.  My absolute favorite part of this entire outline is this:

Things You’ll Need

1-  Pencil with eraser on end (preferably used, as tip should be rounded)

(Are we assisting our 5 year olds in an elementary school project for the science fair?! Should it be a #2 pencil?)
The following was also amusing:

Tips & Warnings

  •  This method isn’t guaranteed to work. It is believed that these two points in acupressure may cause miscarriage. If it is vital that you not have a baby (ex. you may die if you give birth) then you should probably just pay for an abortion to be on the safe side.

I am not claiming, by any stretch of  the imagination, to be an expert on acupressure or miscarriages/abortions (although I could be) (wow, that’s gotta be too much information for possibly everyone); If simply applying pencil/finger pressure on points on the body could possibly expel a fetus, wouldn’t it be a HUMONGOUS, widely accepted, alternative to the traumatizing experience & expense of getting an abortion?
Please advise me if I am incorrect.

In fact, I am informally begging you to.

Couple’s massage

(Can’t stop loving this picture. I’m sorry, but
you may not massage me after stepping out of a Whitesnake video.
Stop right now.  Not another minute.  Nope.)

I have been part of one couple or another for most of my adult life.
There are many activities to enjoy as a duo.

-Going to a movie (unless “Madea” is in the title or Leonardo DiCaprio is in it)
-Staying home & watching a movie (unless “Madea” is in the title or Leonardo DiCarprio is in it)
-Watching new episodes of “Breaking Bad”
-Watching new episodes of “Louie”
-Watching “Frasier” re-runs
-Watching all 180 episodes of “Star Trek: Voyager”
-Watching episodes of “Star Trek: Deep Space 9”
-Watching episodes of “Star Trek: Next Generation”
-Struggling through watching episodes of the original “Star Trek”

And I’ve heard that some couple’s even do things outside.
I’m not sure why, but who am I to judge?

I am, however, still baffled when I get booked with a couple’s massage.
I’ve tried unsuccessfully to understand the appeal.

The following is a description of what a couple’s massage entails:
The couple enters the room.
There are 2 massage tables in said room.
We perform 2 completely individual massages.
You do not hold hands & are not able to look adoringly into
each other’s eyes because your face is in a face cradle looking
down at the floor, and even if it were possible, I would
never allow it because it’s gay.

The only opportunity for you guys to have sex is to attempt a 3 minute
hand job after the massage is over and the therapists leave the room.
We are patiently waiting for you outside the door.  Seriously?

I’ve also been booked mother/daughter couple’s massages
(I can absolutely see the appeal in getting naked & watching a stranger
massage my daughter on the table next to me…)(?!)

Some spas actually charge more money for a couple’s massage.
Absolutely no good reason for this.
Not one.