Fore (golfer’s elbow)


The following is a list of activities which have become painful since I’ve developed medial epicondylitis (commonly known as golfer’s elbow).

-washing my face
-brushing my teeth
-opening jars.

so I’m just not gonna do those things.

I’ve been working less, as I believe this to be a pretty obvious resolution.
I realize that some of you may not be in the position to take time off from work as I did because you, unlike myself, are not independently wealthy which sucks for you. and for me since it’s not true.

Of course I should also be massaging it but let’s leave that for the smart people to do.


Privates (not to be confused with penises)


Private clients are people who are financially successful enough (as well as lazy as all shit) to employ a massage therapist to come to their home for a session. I plan to become one some day.

The main difference between myself and the private clients I have both heard about and experienced is that I have no intention of being a cheap fuck.  None. When I am fortunate enough to be able to afford a personal massage therapist to come to my home, I will be grateful and generous and buy them candy (the good kind, not a Whitman’s Sampler or anything they sell in CVS).

In New York City you can expect to pay between $80 (which, for a gifted therapist, falls just short of robbery) to $225 (for the handful of greedy, egotistical therapists).

Until that time I will frequent massage venues that I can afford, or lap up the generosity of my exceptional-handed partner.  ‘Cause when you attempt to bargain for a cheaper price for the convenience and luxury of getting a massage in your god damn home, face it – you are now in the ‘I’m a gigantic ass’ category.

Question.  Do you bargain with your doctor or do you go to a health care provider that you can afford?

Have a seat – somewhere else.

67daa883b34d7962f686cca05816c9cdChair massage is a method commonly used to perform massage therapy in a seated position while a client is clothed.

These are a few benefits for therapists:
– in my experience, most of the chair massage events offer an hourly fee if sponsored by the spa you are employed by.
You are paid whether you’ve got a fat ass in the chair or not.  Score.

– almost every event I have ever worked offers alcoholic beverages of some sort to its customers.  It is a terrible idea to work while intoxicated which is why I do it whenever possible.
As long as I’m not vomiting on anyone or making out with strangers, I do not see the harm in partaking in small amounts of mind-altering substances especially, if not exclusively, on the company’s dime.

– it is not as physically challenging as a full body table session.

– you are guaranteed to get new clients.

– you can pretty much tailor the seated massage time to whatever your inebriated heart desires.

The following is a smattering of suggestions for ‘clients’ getting chair massage:

– a 10 minute chair massage IS NOT in any way imaginable an opportunity for you to address that whiplash you received in that 10 car pile up last week on the Long Island Expressway.

– if you are looking to experience a professional massage for the first time, this is an acceptable method of learning whether or not you like the idea of being touched by

– do not drop your 300 lb. hugely muscular frame in my chair and become a demanding fool mistaking this dip into a pool of relaxation for a free deep-tissue therapeutic massage or there is a small chance I will tie your shoelaces together and yell fire.  I’m gonna be hating on you so hard, your momma’s gonna feel it.

– you may offer the therapist a tip for this service but you are not required to do so.  I am one of the few therapists who actually prefer not to be tipped in this situation.  It seems tacky to me (ducking tomatoes from every other fellow massage therapist on the planet).

Many therapists are not thrilled with the idea of performing chair massage because it is not something we were taught in massage school.  Funny how that doesn’t stop them from offering $10 blow jobs because, unless I was absent that day, that wasn’t in the curriculum either.

A true blue spectacle


I’ve been in pain for close to a month now because that’s just what I do.
Totally my own fault but it sucks just the same.

You can’t keep taking from your body and give it NOTHING (Krispy Kreme doesn’t count but it totally should).  It’s like putting cheap gas in your Ferrari (you like how I compared myself to a Ferrari and not, say, a Dodge Dart?), driving it into the ground and only going to the mechanic when something breaks or starts leaking (just for the record, nothing is leaking – ewww…).

Although my Wiccan friend helped me tremendously with her fabulous hands, it was like putting a band-aid on a broken arm.  I needed more than just one session and I knew it.  I couldn’t ask her for more massage after she did close to 12,000 in the past week alone.  It’s kinda weird to go somewhere else to get a massage when you work in a place chock full of talented therapists. But even with my discount, it’s still pricey.  So I looked up cheap massages on Google and it led me to Yelp, which is my go to for trustworthy reviews of everything. Important note – when you write a review of say ‘the best facial you’ve ever had in your life’ and you don’t include the esthetician’s name, just know you are a jackass.  I won’t go just anywhere and hope I get lucky.  I want more than one person (who can spell and isn’t a fool) to tell me about their experience and most of the time I am not disappointed.  Like today for instance, I was as far from disappointed as one could hope to get.  In other words, I got my ass ripped up, but in a good way.
I went to the 8th Street location because it falls into the 7 block radius I’ll travel outside my apartment.
His name was Jason and hot damn he rubbed me the right way.  Perfect firm pressure without hurting me.  And it was $48 for an hour  (I gave him a $20 tip and that had nothing to do with his grasp of the English language because he didn’t have any).  What can you honestly get in the city for $48 besides a burger and a large coke?
I was face down the entire massage and had absolutely no problem with that.  He used hot stones at the end of the massage which is what I call a ‘happy ending’.

The ONLY issue I had was my frustration with calling to make an appointment.  Not sure why you would have someone who doesn’t speak English, AT ALL, answer the phone to take appointments. What could she possibly help me with?  After a few minutes of ridiculous repetition (as if she would learn English by the fourth time I asked if Jason was working today), we both got realistic and hung up.  I waited a while and called the main number and someone reluctantly helped me.  It’s an extremely inexpensive Asian massage parlor and it’s clean – you can’t have everything.  The massages are usually awesome but if you’re expecting luxury or even somewhere to put your clothes, don’t go.  I put my bra and underwear in my coat pocket and threw my bag on the floor next to my shoes and got on the table.  I could hear people talking in the next room and I’m pretty sure the receptionist came in to talk to my therapist during the massage but I was feeling so amazing, I wouldn’t have cared if she pulled up a chair and knitted a sweater during my treatment.

And yes, the post title is a Barry Manilow reference.  Fuck off.

Can you get this knot out in one session?

Yes, and then I will attempt to saw a woman in half because I’m a fucking magician.

What is a muscle knot?
I like the description from and added some of my own take on it.
-Adhesions in the muscles are commonly referred to as knots or trigger points.  The knots are found around irritated patches of muscle fibers where the tissues fill with fluid and junk molecules preventing healthy blood flow to the muscles. Since there is little or no blood flow to the tissues, the muscle becomes attached to the bone or another muscle.

Knots can take years to form so guess how long it would take to break them up?
Longer than 56 minutes!!!
It may take months, maybe years, depending on various factors such as age, intensity and how often your fat ass is on the couch watching a ‘Pawn Stars’ marathon (been there).
So, I beg you – please don’t come in once every two years for a deep tissue massage and expect me to ‘fix you’.  I can’t even verbalize the awful things I want to do to you when you ask that of me.

For some strange reason, some clients enjoy the idea of having a lot of knots as if it were some competition they’ve won.
Tooooooooo many times, a wife will say to her husband “See honey, I told you I have a lot of knots!”.  What exactly are you bragging about?
When you have a yeast infection, do you ask the Dr. if he’s seen any as bad as yours (that time doesn’t count! I never asked, he just announced to his staff that I had the worst of the day. Wait a minute, I do recall a slight feeling of pride).
I attribute most tight and aching backs to bad posture, repetitive strain, lack of stretching dosed with a massive amount of stress with no outlet to relieve it.What can you do to increase the chances of having a healthy back with minimal back pain?  Start now with a regular exercise routine.  It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s something you like that has both aerobic and strengthening components.  CORE strengthening is the key.  If your abs are strong, it will relieve a lot of the pressure on your back to do all the work.  Drink water, consistent restful sleep, healthy diet consisting of green things (salad, not guacamole flavored Doritos) and hot baths as often as possible.
Hot/cold therapy. 20 minutes on, 40 minutes off. That’s gonna have to be a totally separate post. Too much info and I’ve probably lost most of you already.
Oh and duh – lots of massage…
Unless you are getting deep-tissue or sports massage, you can get a massage as often as you want.
Once a week would be ideal but monthly would be very beneficial.
If it’s not in your budget, alternate with going to the Asian Tui Na places.  No, it’s not luxurious – no plush robes or slippers and don’t expect any cucumbers or mint leaves in your water but you will get the shit beaten out of you for approximately $50.  You will absolutely hear the guy in the next room (most of them use curtains for walls) loudly instructing the therapist what to do and you will probably be throwing your clothes in a plastic bin under the table but they’re awfully good.  Some of them may even be licensed.
Everyone has knots.  It sucks but it’s better than herpes.

Are there seriously acupressure points that can cause a miscarriage?

It depends who you ask.

Since this is my blog, I am assuming you are asking me, so no.  I think it’s a load of horse shit.  Jesus – that was a pretty big statement to own.

I believe in the general philosophy & benefits of Shiatsu massage (this link takes you to a very basic & simple understanding of Shiatsu).
I’ve taken Shiatsu classes in massage school & it is an amazing form of massage therapy. However, when they warned us in massage school to never press on certain acupressure points because it may stimulate the uterus and cause miscarriage, I was smothered by a truckload of skepticism. 

The absolute BEST massage I’ve ever experienced in my life was a Shiatsu session in a spa in California.  I don’t remember the name of the spa since it was over 10 years ago and my long term memory is only a distant memory.  I absolutely lost my mind the other day when I forgot the date my daughter was born!  I knew it was in May and it had a 2 in it but it was gone – I almost called her dad to find out, but realized I was risking him having me committed, or even worse, not being committed. Back from squirreling (I can’t help but giggle every time I use that term now), the massage… what I do remember is this – I was initially surprised because I never had a Shiatsu massage on a table, and assumed it would suck.  I was never more wrong about anything in my life.  (Wouldn’t that be awesome if that seriously was the biggest thing I was wrong about in my life?)  This therapist moved around the table like a whirlwind. One minute he was working on my feet, then hopped over the table to stretch my neck – it was insane!  When I got up off the table, I felt drunk ,without the nausea & vomiting.  I couldn’t drive.  I was in the heaven I don’t even believe in.

HOWEVER, do I believe that by pressing on certain pressure points on the body you can expel a fetus?  No.  No I certainly do not.

And I am considering conducting a nationwide search to find the ignorant douchebag who wrote this claptrap of complete garbage:
“How to use Acupressure to Complete a Miscarriage”.
There are a few things about this article that are causing me complete distress.  One of them is the nonchalant manner in which it is written. It could easily have been a guide on How to Fold a Paper Airplane, rather than a step by step guide on How to Kill Your Unborn Child.  My absolute favorite part of this entire outline is this:

Things You’ll Need

1-  Pencil with eraser on end (preferably used, as tip should be rounded)

(Are we assisting our 5 year olds in an elementary school project for the science fair?! Should it be a #2 pencil?)
The following was also amusing:

Tips & Warnings

  •  This method isn’t guaranteed to work. It is believed that these two points in acupressure may cause miscarriage. If it is vital that you not have a baby (ex. you may die if you give birth) then you should probably just pay for an abortion to be on the safe side.

I am not claiming, by any stretch of  the imagination, to be an expert on acupressure or miscarriages/abortions (although I could be) (wow, that’s gotta be too much information for possibly everyone); If simply applying pencil/finger pressure on points on the body could possibly expel a fetus, wouldn’t it be a HUMONGOUS, widely accepted, alternative to the traumatizing experience & expense of getting an abortion?
Please advise me if I am incorrect.

In fact, I am informally begging you to.