Massage Envy petitions


so done with this massage envy petition thing.
of course i originally signed it because that’s what sheep do.
then i briefly got a job managing a similar place. and i learned stuff.

and i need you all to shut the fuck up about this already.
know why?

because unless i have lost my sight completely, there are zero petitions about the horrific, unfair, borderline abusive ways we’ve been treated at all the other spas we’ve worked at.
because although we were paid well with benefits including high commissions, full health insurance, matching 401k and sick days,  it didn’t make these places any better than massage envy.
not by anydamnone’s measure.
we’ve been summoned to work with no clean linens, no air-conditioning in 1000 degree weather in basements with cockroaches and verbal abuse. but we got paid well so i guess no petition warranted.

stop sending me those emails and work on something productive, like shutting your everlasting pieholes.



How to eat & drink while giving a massage by someone who does that a lot.


Yes, you read correctly. You should not eat before a massage but I can absolutely eat while giving you that massage.  Hypocritical awareness – check.

Sometimes it’s because we’re slammed with back to back massages and don’t have a break.

But usually it’s because I’m bored and it gives me something to do during the massage (besides the actual massage).

The client is face down for the first half of the massage so you could pretty much play naked Twister as long as one hand is on them doing something.

Obviously you’re not gonna eat something smelly like a tuna sandwich or loud like potato chips but a bagel – sure. A brownie – absolutely.
The room is dark and there is usually a counter or small table somewhere in the room. Not anywhere near their face or on the sink where it can and will fall in.
You have them cut the bagel in quarters. It’s all in the details people. If you’re gonna do something prohibited, slam it hard and with excellence.

I can go for an hour without food but without coffee? That’s just cruel.  So here’s the drill. You can keep coffee (in a travel cup) in the cupboard until you start the massage or bring it in the room but hold it down low or walk in backwards while closing the door so you’re hiding it because sometimes the client doesn’t understand that face down doesn’t mean face up. After completing each area of the body, enjoy your morning brew while quietly placing the cup back down on table. Have an altoids or a tiny cup of mouthwash by the sink out of sight so you can use one or the other before turning client over and having coffee breath in their face. I sound insane right now. It seems so normal while doing it but writing it makes me contemplate checking myself into a psych ward. Again.
After they are face up, cover their eyes with a cloth drape so you can finish your coffee ummm I mean so it’s more relaxing for the client with less light. Place  cup back in cupboard before finishing massage because seeing a coffee cup or any food items in the room during a massage is grossly unprofessional.

For more elaborate instruction, please contact me.

Leave the Judging to Amy.


You would think I’d learn from the multiple thousands of times I’ve been wrong about this. But learning seems overrated most of the time.

It must somehow benefit me to decide, upon first view, that my robed client is gonna be a demanding asshat or a misinformed miscreant (very aware I could have simply used the word ‘jerk’ but I love this word. I don’t know why, I just do).

Jesus, they’re just sitting there doing nothing.  They couldn’t be doing more nothing and probably not even wearing underwear doing nothing.

I am wrong almost 200 percent of the time.  Those are the clients that end up being the nicest and the least demanding, in search of  a little love or even less, just a lie-down.

So don’t judge them because they’re nervous or having a bad day. Wait until they deserve it.  And don’t worry, they will.

Fore (golfer’s elbow)


The following is a list of activities which have become painful since I’ve developed medial epicondylitis (commonly known as golfer’s elbow).

-washing my face
-brushing my teeth
-opening jars.

so I’m just not gonna do those things.

I’ve been working less, as I believe this to be a pretty obvious resolution.
I realize that some of you may not be in the position to take time off from work as I did because you, unlike myself, are not independently wealthy which sucks for you. and for me since it’s not true.

Of course I should also be massaging it but let’s leave that for the smart people to do.

Why drink water after a massage?

72percent water

Because I said so.

And although I never seem to get tired of doing stupid things (watching violent crime shows right before bed and then having nightmares about severed heads or eating too much sugar and then waking up every hour forever and then seriously contemplating why that keeps happening but not requesting that Dr. Doom stop buying Sour Patch Kids and soda), at least I know I’m stupid. That’s gotta be good for something.

As I was editing this post, I was both impressed and confused with the information I gathered until I realized that I wasn’t the one who wrote it.  Heh.  It was from a spa blog called Milk + Honey out of Texas.  I like their explanation of the importance of drinking water especially after a massage.

Have you ever wondered why you are told to drink extra water after a massage?  Your therapist is not just honing a nurturing instinct or lecturing you on good health. When your muscles are manipulated during a massage waste materials and other toxins are released from the muscles and into the blood stream. Just like when you exercise, massage, especially deep tissue or sports massage, dehydrates muscles and removes electrolytes. In order to help your kidneys process and flush out these toxins, it is important to drink additional water. Water will help prevent unnecessary soreness, possible nausea, and an overall sluggish feeling. Your body is happy to get rid of all the “junk” it has been storing but you need to help it along with extra H2O. Keeping your muscles hydrated regularly helps keep the tissue supple and healthy reducing tension and spasm.

There is debate about the actual amount of water that is considered the right amount. A good way to know you are hydrated is to make a point to drink your 8 glasses a day and if your urine is clear then, you are hydrated. If you are already a pro at staying hydrated, then go ahead and tack on an extra 3-4 glasses of water after a massage. Every body is different so you might have to test it out and see how much is enough for you. If the day after a massage you are stiff and fatigued, add on a couple more glasses the next go around. You will find your body feeling renewed and rejuvenated.

In my own experience, last time I had a deep tui-na massage I forgot to drink water. Of course I did.  I had no specific requests because my body was in such sad shape that I seriously didn’t care what she did. It was some rad deep work and I allowed it because although I would be sore for a few days, I would feel great after that.  I walked home afterwards because I forgot that I don’t like to walk anywhere and I had little clue where I was or who I was after getting off  that massage table.  When I arrived home I felt dizzy and nauseated.  I decided that I had contracted the flu and began going through a list of clients I had worked on that day who I could hate for selfishly spreading their unforgivable rotten germs with me.  Then it hit me like one would a crack whore asking for the product before the service.  How did I fail to realize that this therapist beat the living hell out of my body and I needed to flush out the crap that was begging to get out?

Just drink water. I bet crack whores never drink enough water.

Superficial much?

images-3You don’t have to look like a butch dyke or weigh 300lbs to be a good massage therapist…but you would think so.

I work with some really cute therapists – even some male stripper material. Yet when I look online at every massage publication on the shelves, it seems all the therapists look like they live in El Paso, Tx or Binghamton, NY and only get their haircut at “Supercuts” or the barber shop.
I’ve also checked and it’s not against the law to practice massage therapy under the age of 60 & you are not limited to Dress Barn or K-mart to buy your entire wardrobe.
While we’re on the topic – Dress Barn?
Barn – A barn is an agricultural building used for storage. It may sometimes be used to house livestock or to store farming vehicles and equipment.  How is this somewhere you’d want to buy your clothing if you weren’t, say, a farmer?  Now ‘Dairy Barn’ makes perfect sense.  They sell milk, eggs, bacon, yodels – things you would expect to find on a farm or were produced by critters housed in a barn.  Venue for a pig roast – barn. Hoedown throwdown – barn.  Somewhere to purchase something appropriate to wear to those functions?
Dress Barn.

If money is the issue, thrift stores sell stuff that is cheap and you may actually get something attractive that might accidentally have been made by a fashion designer  (says the girl whose wardrobe consists of basically the same 3 black shirts and something beige when she’s feeling bold).

It has no reflection on your abilities to be a kind-hearted and talented therapist if you brush your hair sometimes & put on some mascara.

You needn’t be a runway model or a Baldwin or anything but is it wrong to not want a sweaty, fat, unkempt mess with bad breath to work on me?  Nah.

Just because you work in a field whose philosophy is based on healing & compassion, doesn’t mean you have to shy away from a shower or possibly a manicure.

Topical ointments for pain relief

Anything topical is, well just that – topical.
There are definitely ointments, gels, creams etc. that will distract you from your stiff joints and sore muscles, but they’re not gonna fix you.
These are a few of my favorites:

Tiger balm is mildly effective and only costs as much as 2 family size Kit Kat bars. No tigers were harmed in the making of this product. In fact, there are no animal-based ingredients at all.

I have personally never felt the benefits of using arnica, but it’s one of the most popular topical treatments for both tight & sore muscles.
Arnica is derived from a plant and  has been used for medicinal purposes since the 1500s and is still popular today. Applied to the skin as a cream, ointment, liniment, salve, or tincture, it has been used to soothe muscle aches, reduce inflammation, and heal wounds.

Aveda’s Active Composition is, in one word, delicious (not literally) and doesn’t evoke memories of visiting grandma in the nursing home. It’s $21 and worth it.

Biofreeze is my favorite, but it is usually only sold as a professional product available in beauty supply stores and massage companies. It is a green gel that goes on cold and is rubbed in thoroughly for best effect. The product contains menthol to ease muscle soreness and lessen discomfort by drawing blood away from the wounded area. Wow. I just learned that they now make it colorless! Genius! And although I get the whole green/menthol philosophy, it’s about time. Now it is a perfect product.

Thermacare wraps from the drugstore are a pretty intense distraction from pain and stay hot for about 8 hours. You can wear them under your clothes, and they are perfect for times when you can’t stay home and rest with a heating pad because god hates you and those burgers aren’t going to flip themselves.

This article is a good one for when to ice or heat.

Contrary to everyone who knows nothing – YOU WILL NOT DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH if you use ice or heat incorrectly.  You just won’t feel better.

Anyone have any additional recommendations to add to this list?

Neck & eye pillows

Buckwheat neck pillows feel fantastic, especially when they are warm & scented.  And NOT shared.  Buy one, take it home & do what you’d like with it.  It’s yours – you can lick it, pee on it, jack off with it, etc.  However – when you use it in the spa, keep in mind that right before you take that item out of the hot towel cabi and put it on your sweet clean skin, 12,000 people have also used that same pillow.  The ‘Turban Guy’, the ‘Herpes Client’, and even ‘Abu’ have most definitely enjoyed the same sweat, bacteria & fungus you are now basking in.  Enjoy.

And I’m not a big fan of the eye pillow at all.  They are annoying & boring.  They fall off your face if you turn your head, and the scent lasts for 3 days if you’re lucky.

*Therapists – if you would like to use a heated neck pillow on your client while they are face down on the table, place it on top of the flat sheet covering them so it doesn’t directly touch their neck.
*Important tip for keeping your neck pillow infused with aroma for as long as possible – store it in a large ziploc bag when not in use.

Shut your pie hole

To avoid annoying chatter from your therapist during your treatment,
while still being polite, simply tell the therapist that you will probably
fall asleep once you are on the table.

If they don’t get the hint, just don’t respond when they ask you where
you’re from or what you ate for dinner last night. (They’ll assume you fell asleep.)
Not only is it none of their business – it’s selfish & inconsiderate for
them to engage you in conversation just because they’re bored.