Where My Head Is Today


did you ever just annoy the fuck out of yourself by doing the same dumb things, saying the same dumb things, writing the same dumb things…


yeah, me neither.


Moms = the biggest fuckheads ever. Except for me. As if.


This is a shout out to all those moms who bring their kids into the store and ignore them while they knock shit off the shelves, drop their stupid cheerios and animal crackers all over the floor and spill their juice and scream.
So while you’re talking to me about shampoo or something of equal importance,  Johnny has just been kidnapped and sold into a child pornography ring.

It’s not adorable. Your kids aren’t the salt of the earth.
We’re not getting paid enough to watch your offspring and clean up after them.
We’re not even getting paid enough to buy good drugs.




You Say Tomato…I Say Nipple.


Manager was educating me on hair styling products.

She was explaining that it was concentrated so you only needed a nipple sized amount (while also gesturing the size with her pointer and thumb the way one would tune a radio).

I repeated curiously “A nipple sized”?

She responded exasperated “Nickel sized”.

Not embarrassed at all.