Fuck You Circle of Life


Driving with ET down one of those single lane country roads when she points out ‘Oh look – ducks.’

Cutting off my ‘Awwww’ with a quick correction of ‘Ooops, they’re vultures eating a dead deer.’

Uncutest ducks ever…


Star Jones and Yes I’m Serious/Client Stories

PIGI am beyond proud to admit that I had no idea who Star Jones was when it was announced she was getting services at the spa in Trump Tower.  I mean I knew the name but it wasn’t attached to anything and in hindsight, I wish it weren’t.

I could start by telling you that she was an asshole shitpig but you may want to learn something new here today.  So here it is.

After undressing in the room (and we being grateful for that small gift), the therapist entered to find all of her clothes strewn carelessly on the floor while there was a perfectly capable chair and wall hooks for such things.
However, compared to the highlight of this story, this is minor and you and your mom are gonna wish I ended here.  As if…

She was getting a mani/pedi obviously overjoyed at the appreciation of finally being able to see her own feet.  She had recently gotten gastric bypass surgery and had lost some weight.  I know little about this procedure but here’s where common sense would kick in if any were owned.

If I had to guess, I would think you need to monitor how much food you eat after such a procedure.
Guess who didn’t share that theory?
The person who ate too much, threw up in her plate, and handed it to the spa attendant to take care of.

This. happened.



FB & The Not Really Dead Girl/Client Stories


I put many people to sleep during their massages. It’s actually one of the biggest compliments to accomplish that.

This however was different.

I finished the massage, placed my hand on her shoulder and said “Ok, so and so, you’re all set.”
No movement.
I gently shook her under the assumption that she’d fallen asleep.
No movement.
I started to panic.
I ran into the next room and asked the other therapist what to do. She thought she would add to my panic by telling me the client could have gone into diabetic shock which can lead to coma or death.
Great – there goes my tip.

I remembered that she came in with a friend who I was really hoping wasn’t dead too because I needed some help here.
She was in the sauna and I calmly walked in and told her that I was having trouble waking her friend up.
She laughed and said “Oh it’s fine, she took a Xanax before the massage.”
I asked her if she could please go and get her jackass friend off my table (said the person who once took a sleeping pill before a meditation class and let the instructor believe she was that good.)

Idiots. The lot of us.