Of all of the current ridiculous nonsensical bullshit business models that our society has sheepishly decided to follow, the interview process has got to be one of, if not the most fuck backwards processes I have experienced in my lifetime.
So basically here’s how it goes once you finally make it to the top of the pile:
You send a completely fabricated and shiny view of yourself in written form after scouring the dashboard thesaurus to find words and terms that you would never ever use in real life to sound smarter than you actually are.
Because it is somehow more acceptable to say “My objective is to succeed in an environment of growth and excellence and earn a job which provides me job satisfaction and self development and help me achieve personal as well as organizational goals,” instead of the truth, which is I need cold hard cash to pay for my addiction to Netflix and the 12 bottles of wine I drink every week.
And hey, if you actually buy that load of crap and make it to the next level where you get to speak to me on the phone, I’m gonna make sure the dog is thrown in the backyard so he doesn’t bark and my kid is locked in an upstairs closet with
an Ipad tuned to Spongebob while I gesture to anyone who happens into the room to ‘Shut the fuck up,’ I’m pretending I live alone in a cave during this 45 minute time frame.
Cool, I get to meet you in person where I will be wearing stockings that I purchased last night at the drugstore because in reality I don’t own any and you will never ever see me wear a skirt and a pressed shirt after this day because no one intentionally dresses like that because it is uncomfortable and stupid. And I hope you like my hair brushed and this make-up application because chances are once I start working, there will definitely be days I don’t brush my teeth and/or change my underwear even while on my period.
Enjoy how friendly and happy I appear to be during this one hour of my life during our time together. You’re gonna see less and less of it until the real me forces its way to the surface and I begin sighing, rolling my eyes and throwing around my sarcasm and negative attitude all over this damn place until everyone is terrified to even make eye contact with me in fear of being verbally or physically crushed beyond recognition.
Let’s just be real.
Meet me for a coffee or even better, a drink and talk to me. Like a real fucking person in a comfortable atmosphere – have a conversation with me.
And if you ask me what my weaknesses are or ask me to give you an example of a time at my last job where I helped the company reach or surpass an expected goal or project, I’ll punch you in the throat.