Your Kiss Was Almost on My List…


One afternoon while walking down 13th Street, down the block from the Lesbian Gay Bisexual & Transgender Community Center (wow that’s a mouthful in so many many ways), I noticed a car driving slowly next to me in the street.
A woman rolled down her window and looked panicked, almost hysterical while asking if I could help her.
Even though I could tell that the inside of her car was in fact, her home, by the amount of ‘everything’ in her life riding shotgun, I leaned into the passenger side window and was not prepared in the fuck tale least for what she was about to tell me.

“I really need to be kissed by someone”.
Me: “I don’t know what you mean”.
Her: Crying now (because it wasn’t weird enough without the crying); “I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I just feel like I need someone to kiss me”.
Although I knew with every fiber of my being what she was about to ask me next, I stood there waiting because I couldn’t find the courage to tear myself away from this awkward yet fascinating situation.
“Would you kiss me”?
And there it was.

Instead of simply walking away, which trust me, wasn’t far down on the list of possible options, I asked if she was ok. I genuinely felt bad for her and began to have a drive-thru/car window therapy session with her.

And absolutely was there that tiny part of me that actually thought if I had an Altoids and a morning after pill I would have kissed her. She wasn’t repulsive – she was almost pretty in a plain Laura Linney sans make-up and a million dollars kind of way.

I told her there was a Lesbian Community Center right down the block and she should stop in there and maybe someone could help her.  What made me think the community center could help her? Because there were lesbians there?  Asshole.

Before she drove away, I said “Listen, I need you to know this, everything is going to be ok, I promise”.  Somehow I really believed that.

By the time I was walking back home, down the same block, I saw her driving up the block again looking for someone else to kiss her.
Not gonna lie – I was genuinely hurt.


Where My Head Is Today


Very often when I am either too lazy or too lazy to get off the couch, I’ll get an idea for a blog post and know realistically that my brain won’t hold it so I jot down a few key words to jog my memory until I am ready to write something. Most of the time I just forget about it and will find it months later and have no clue what it means, especially the notes that are so random that they make no sense on their own. Dogs, puppies, homeless, tv.  And those numbers are from another day and could be anything from how many people I hated that day to how many times Tony Goldwyn on Scandal says “I’m the leader of the free world” which would actually place him on the first list.

I never understood why doctors with kids needed pediatricians. Now I sound like I’m doing stand-up and that is not my intention. But seriously (obviously not that seriously), why would Dr. Cox be in a panic because his kid is sick? I mean he’s a doctor himself.  We don’t have puppy vets, do we? But how cute would that job be?
Way to get too invested in a sit-com.

And instead of thinking about homeless people starving or finding a safe, warm, decent place to sleep, I found myself panicked when I realized they couldn’t watch tv.
I truly apologize for being this person.

Yelp Reviews that Really Marsh My ‘Mellow’

yelp-1I finally came to Maxwell Medical today after a few years of seeing them give out fliers when I came out of the subway in the morning. The free half hour massage took forever for me to take up on. I finally got it tonight, as well as my consultation with doctor Ron. When I asked to see the prices, the receptionist told me it would be covered under my insurance and i could get up to 24 visits. I was thrilled! I got my massage from Kelly, and her deep tissue massage was very deep! She said she got all my knots out, and I think i felt them come out too. My back is as sore as shit right now, but she said it would ultimately feel better after the soreness goes away and I get used to relieving all the tension in my back. I have to go back for another consultation, so we will see if there is a catch. The free massage was great though. Everyone there is super nice.And after reading the reviews on citysearch, who cares about privacy? The place is private enough!

Thank you to my co-worker for bringing this crap fest to my attention.

Hmmmm – giving out fliers outside the subway definitely equals nowhere I would ever want to go and a free half hour massage equals no such thing.
How seriously can you take a place where Dr. Ron works?  Do they do that to seem more accessible? I pretty much want to go to a doctor who I can respect as a thoroughly skilled professional, not someone who may, at some point, invite me to a backyard barbeque with Dr. Joey and Dr. Candice (also known by her regulars as Dr. Candy both for the lollipops she dispenses and it being her stage name at that after hours place where she moonlights on alternate Saturdays).

I am super impressed that Kelly got out all your knots in 30 minutes. That seems like a miracle to me. And by miracle I mean the biggest load of shit I have ever laid ears on. I would be hating on Kelly pretty hard right now but I have limited hate energy and I’m not done hating you for thinking you felt them come out. REALLY?!  You felt them come out? Please share with us exactly what that feels like? Did they fall out onto the floor to be collected by the knot sweeper? Did you see them leave your body as phantasms and slowly dissipate into thin air? Maybe it was just gas and you’re just a simple-minded tool ball who wears those sweatpants with words across the ass – like ‘juicy’ because you’re definitely not looking for attention and are not the girl who gets mad at guys who leer at them even though you have an actual advertisement for your ass on your ass.

Back to Maxwell Medical because no one gets off that easy here.
Just look at all those glowing shiny reviews on Yelp!  They’re definitely not fake at all. Must just be a coincidence that most of those people have never reviewed anything before but were so moved by their incredible experience that they needed to five star your ass.
I wonder what would happen if I (I mean someone) would write a negative review about how I actually felt Kelly add more knots to my back than I came in with?

Well at least I know what I’m doing today.