Birthday Wishes to My Favorite Jackass on the Planet.

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This is what a perfect friend is:

Someone who doesn’t judge you when you do stupid shit. every. single. day.

They applaud your accomplishments no matter how small like washing a dish in a sink of  a thousand dishes.

They listen to all your most boring, inane, senseless, dim, dumb, senseless thoughts and stories and remembers them even when they’re not obligated to because they’re not sleeping with you or trying to.

They know when to leave you alone even when they’re pretty sure you’re close to murdering yourself in the most horrible way.

They bring you Mud coffee and leave it on your doorstep believing you really really need it even though you’re not home and they were too lazy to listen to the entire conversation because if they listened to every word you ever said they would surely rip their ears off and feed them to small children and knowing it better be damn good coffee or you’ll punch them in the throat.

They make home-made popcorn to bring to the movies and give you your own bag.

They call you out when no one else will because your other friends don’t want to hurt your feelings or don’t care enough; the whole while being terrified that you’ll become the psychotic sensitive alter bitch who will possibly castrate you but they don’t really care ’cause they’re not getting any anyway.

They are highly intelligent but never ever need to remind you or anyone else of that because they’re not ‘that’ asshole.

Someone who makes you home-made pasta sauce for your birthday and gives it to you in one of those beautiful glass jars you love so much.

You can say anything no matter how awful, ignorant or mean because they know who you really are and they don’t think you’re racist because you don’t like rap music or black comedians.

They can eat Dirty Bird fried chicken, Taco Bell chalupas and drink way too much but will also attempt to find inner peace with meditation, yoga and do 10 day juice fasts because they know that there has to be a balance and you can’t possibly live a happy life without Taco Bell.

My perfect friend is 44 today and I miss him…(he’s not dead, he just moved – same thing)

Can he get some happy fucking birthday wishes here in the comments because it would make him smile and that would make me smile which is what really matters because in the end, it’s all about me.

Happy Birthday MJ.

 

 

 

 

 

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Eating Pussy & the 90 Minute Deep Tissue Massage/Client Stories

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I found the most wonderful old email that I sent to MJ and can’t believe I’ve waited this long to share it.

My first client’s name was Ivan.

I massaged him last week and he returned for a 90 minute session to help with his tennis elbow. Seemed like a really nice guy.
I start working on him and he ‘gently’ asks if he can ask me a personal question.
I tell him the more personal, the better.
Well, as I was knee deep into a detailed conversation on my views on eating pussy and
how repulsive I found the idea of it, he reminded me that if I ever had a threesome or even
an experience with a girl, chances were that I would be put (literally) in a position to eat some pussy.
That was the tame part of the 90 minute sex therapy session.
He told me that he’s only gotten off 4 times during blow jobs because he is so well endowed that a girl can barely get her mouth around it without using her teeth (ears perk up).
His ex-wife was a virgin and has never even masturbated. The only way he could
loosen her up to have good sex was to stick his chin in her ass while in the 69 position.
If I could repeat that last line a hundred thousand times, I would.
All of a sudden it seemed as if his tennis elbow was cured or he completely forgot that
he’s ever played tennis in his life.
 
He likes older women because they are more comfortable & confident about their
bodies and are more open to trying new things.
He asked me what gives me pleasure, and as I was giving him explicit details of my
sexual preferences I asked him if he was a secret shopper and was going to report me to the spa director.
We talked about herpes and why some women smell like fish (if they’ve had sex with another
man and his sperm is still inside her the chemicals (or whatever) from the sperm create a fishy
smell. 
And you didn’t think you would learn something new here today.
We talked about fetishes and how one girl wanted him to rape her. He declined. He knew that
there was always that chance that she would report him to the police.
We talked about squirters and I told him about the vomit inducing video you sent me. He said
he’s had a squirter and some girls can make themselves squirt but he doesn’t care for it either.
I’m going to stop typing squirter now.
He said that he could masturbate without watching porn if he thought about any girl, even a girl
he saw standing on line at Starbucks.
He asked me if I liked when men talked to me during sex. I have intentionally deleted part of this conversation.
It’s nice to leave some things to the imagination.
He is loaded. I mean filthy rich but does not feel successful because he is not married with kids and
really wants that.
He held my hand after the session and told me that if I didn’t have a boyfriend he would love to take me out.
I paused (no I didn’t).
I noticed that he was intentionally trying to leap off the table naked while i was leaving the room. No doubt to show me his much talked about tremendous cock.
the end.
(yes, he gave me his email address)
(yes, i looked him up and he does make a shit load of money in the mining business)
MJ’s response : “So, when will you be the guest speaker during the ethics class at our massage school?”

Must Love Dogs

dog-walkerok guys – stop it.

stop walking your dogs while texting and talking on the phone without paying any attention whatsoever to what’s on the end of your leash.
they’re not accessories.

not only did your jack russell just walk into a lamp post but you almost tripped up 5 old people and your dog just ate a chicken bone.

i can’t pretend i care that much about old people falling but it absolutely freaks me out when you’re pulling your dog behind you without noticing that he’s
trying to take a shit.  i want you to imagine right now what it would be like to try to take a shit while someone was pulling you along the street.

i will not pretend i was the most perfect dog-owner. i absolutely showed impatience and yelled at Starbuck to “Hurry up – it’s fucking raining out” and was often frustrated by her never ending need for food and water but I loved that god damn pain in the ass more than anything in my world (Sorry Espy but I didn’t have to go through 8 hours of labor and breast feed Starby for a year).
But I would have.