My absolute favorite client story ever: MJ and the Red Hot Faggot (not what you think)


I wish to god this was my story but sadly another therapist got the pleasure of experiencing this holy shit…

A few weeks ago I took part in a couple’s massage on an annoying young male gay couple (I’m mentioning this just so you can picture the scene. I’ve worked on PLENTY of annoying straight couples). I knew I was in trouble even before the massage started when I was in the changing room taking a leak and I spied a tall, skinny, long-haired, 20-something tattooed white guy in there singing loudly to himself while he brushed his gorgeous locks away from his face. I just knew, KNEW this guy would be one half of the couple. Unfortunately, I was right. For the massage, my client was a smaller Filipino guy and a total stress case. He was the yin to the other’s yang. Short-haired, uptight and in charge. The other therapist had the “free spirit”. They were saying the usual annoying couple’s shit to each other during the massage like, “How are you doing, babe? Good, babe. And you?” and “I love you, baby! I love you, too, baby.” And they discussed work constantly. I’m pretty sure they were caterers from LA based on their conversation. They were talking shit about everyone. But, whatever. When you hear this drivel you usually just roll your eyes at the other therapist and move on. However halfway through the massage, after the other therapist had the long haired client turn over onto his back, I noticed out of the corner of my eye a red glow coming from his direction. I looked over to see what the hell it was and almost stopped my massage in shock. He was smoking a cigarette. In over five years of massage I’ve seen some pretty freaky shit, but this blew my mind. I was going to say something after I calmed down, but when I didn’t smell any smoke I soon realized it was an e-cigarette. Since it wasn’t annoying to ME and there was no apparent fire hazard, I let it pass and we finished the massage, during which he took a few more puffs. Of course, after they left, the other therapist and I immediately started cracking up. She said that he was also smoking while he was face down. She could see the red glow coming from underneath the face cradle. She freaked out before she realized what it was. We couldn’t believe the guy wasn’t able to stop smoking for a FUCKING HOUR.


The YELP Cruise and the Hate Convoy.


I honestly believed this was going to be a fun event to work, simply because it was on a boat.
I am now learning that when the manager uses the term ‘great opportunity’ and/or ‘fun’, it is code for ‘no one else wants to work these events so I’m going to make them seem appealing to the suckers that are new to this company.’

That. Would be. Me.

It would be similar to working at Six Flags Great Adventure.  Cleaning up vomit on The Runaway Train doesn’t make it a better job just because you’re working in an amusement park.

Yelpers are the thoroughly sad community of people with no respect for proper grammar or spelling, looking for a platform to voice their ‘nobody gives a shit about’ opinions but not brave or talented enough to go anywhere else with it.

So it was a boat full of those people with an open bar and free food.  And I had to touch them – for hours and hours. One creepy guy gave me a $3 tip but I was afraid he took the money from his mom’s sock. That she was wearing. After he brutally raped and murdered her. Twice.

I wanted to cry but my tears were too tired, angry and resentful to fall.  So instead I worked non-stop without food or a bathroom break and waited until I was done and standing with my stupid chair hailing a cab in the unbelievably freezing cold on the West Side Highway to smoke as many cigarettes as it took to feel lung cancer set in.


The cab driver took away some of the pain when he told me I looked like I was in my thirties.
So I blew him. A lot.

Where My Head Is Today


Sometimes I want to kick myself in the ass but find that my head is already up in there and that would make for way too much going on with my ass.

I was so bored, lost & aimless today that I took a strange pill that someone left on the washing machine in the laundry room of my building.  I’ve had it for about
7 months now and have just been carrying it around for a special day.

I looked up the imprint and it should be Klonopin, which is totally fine, even wonderful but I’m also afraid that it’s laced with something like rat poison and one of the crazy mean people who just ride the elevator all day left it on the machine to kill someone because they were having a bad day.

So if I’m dead, can someone else please make my kid the Market Street Meatloaf I promised for tonight? It’s a lot of preparation but she loves it and will be really sad about me dying so just buck up.

And she likes real mashed potatoes with that, none of that boxed stuff.

How to eat & drink while giving a massage by someone who does that a lot.


Yes, you read correctly. You should not eat before a massage but I can absolutely eat while giving you that massage.  Hypocritical awareness – check.

Sometimes it’s because we’re slammed with back to back massages and don’t have a break.

But usually it’s because I’m bored and it gives me something to do during the massage (besides the actual massage).

The client is face down for the first half of the massage so you could pretty much play naked Twister as long as one hand is on them doing something.

Obviously you’re not gonna eat something smelly like a tuna sandwich or loud like potato chips but a bagel – sure. A brownie – absolutely.
The room is dark and there is usually a counter or small table somewhere in the room. Not anywhere near their face or on the sink where it can and will fall in.
You have them cut the bagel in quarters. It’s all in the details people. If you’re gonna do something prohibited, slam it hard and with excellence.

I can go for an hour without food but without coffee? That’s just cruel.  So here’s the drill. You can keep coffee (in a travel cup) in the cupboard until you start the massage or bring it in the room but hold it down low or walk in backwards while closing the door so you’re hiding it because sometimes the client doesn’t understand that face down doesn’t mean face up. After completing each area of the body, enjoy your morning brew while quietly placing the cup back down on table. Have an altoids or a tiny cup of mouthwash by the sink out of sight so you can use one or the other before turning client over and having coffee breath in their face. I sound insane right now. It seems so normal while doing it but writing it makes me contemplate checking myself into a psych ward. Again.
After they are face up, cover their eyes with a cloth drape so you can finish your coffee ummm I mean so it’s more relaxing for the client with less light. Place  cup back in cupboard before finishing massage because seeing a coffee cup or any food items in the room during a massage is grossly unprofessional.

For more elaborate instruction, please contact me.

Should you eat or drink before getting a massage?



Me.  Probably you too but I can’t make that judgment until I’ve met you.

I just signed up with Pandora because it’s 14 years ago.  Upon choosing my radio stations, I paused with each one in fear that anyone would stumble upon it like a lost diary and find out that I added a Barry Manilow station and also I  just realized I titled a post after a Barry Manilow song and am now just too embarrassed to be a person but this glass of Malbec is absolutely helping me forget about Barry Manilow and how I just wrote Barry Manilow 3x in one sentence – now 4.

How the shit is this a post on massage in any form?  ‘Cause it is right now.

But first Kenny Rogers because I love him and don’t give a fuck that my closest male friend, MJ, is absolutely shaking his head in both disbelief and disgust right now.  More disgust than disbelief.

So duh, drinking any liquids before a massage means only one thing. Pee.
Hold off on the liquids for at least an hour before your service so you can avoid interrupting the service, asking the therapist for your robe so you can use the bathroom, having the therapist roll their eyes into their head and pretend they don’t mind at all. They’re minding . A lot.

And the eating before a massage follows the same rules as swimming (without the water and the cramps and it’s not like swimming at all now that I think about it).
Try not to eat at least an hour or so before your massage for a couple of reasons. Why chance feeling gassy and bloated while trying to enjoy a pretty amazing experience? Also, one of the biggest benefits of massage is circulation:

For the whole body to be healthy, the sum of its parts–the cells–must be healthy. The individual cells of the body are dependent on an abundant supply of blood and lymph because these fluids supply nutrients and oxygen and carry a way wastes and toxins. So, it is easy to understand why good circulation is so important to our health and why massage can be so beneficial for the entire body due to its effect on circulation alone.

So, let your body focus on doing that stuff instead of working to digest that foot-long you just devoured washed down with a 70oz. Pepsi.  Hey, I get it – it’s $4.99 – no judgments.

Blow me.

Yelp Reviews That Really Marsh My ‘Mellow’.

?????????My wife (Jagsheeemash!) and I were looking for a legit massage after a weekend of walking around and exploring NYC, so we did a little research and found this hidden gem in Chinatown.  We just cruised by, walked in, saw they were running a couple of weekly specials, got set up and each had hella legit hour long massages that worked out all the kinks and stiff spots.  This is the type of massage I always want and wish I had closer to home.  Give me the no nonsense, stress relieving massage, any day and every day over the swank and overpriced day-spa.  One of the better massages I’ve had in a long time.

So is ‘Jagsheeemash’ your wife or an animated lion from a Disney movie? She must be pretty fucking awesome for you to use such strong punctuation after declaring that.  Did your check finally clear with Yes, of course I am now looking that up to see if it’s a real site because I know you are. Please let Espy not come over and check my search history and find Hot Asian Brides. Please let that not happen.

I think you’ve made it very clear that you were looking for a LEGIT massage since you mentioned it twice and since you know New York City is all about prostitutes, muggers and drugs.  Especially prostitutes giving illegal massages. Really glad you got yourself a legit one and a ‘hella legit’ one at that.  I appreciate  what you were trying to say but you kinda said it very wrong and that makes me want to steal your wallet. But that’s probably just the New Yorker in me.

Go the fuck back to bed you selfish asshole.

You need to understand this as soon as possible.
No one is ever getting the best massage of their lives at 8:30 on any Sunday morning.
Not by me anyway.