Contemplating the Red Lobster commercial for their ‘endless shrimp’ promotion.
I found myself wondering if the waitress was serious in her statement that ‘people wait all year for this promotion’.
Someone please tell me it’s not true. I wouldn’t be able to handle that truth.
Wouldn’t have known her from a cedar chest in my grandma’s attic.
Her name on my work schedule read like a new character in the most boring story ever told.
She could have easily answered to ‘the bitch who’s about to fuck my day into slabs of shit’.
Here’s what happens when you come late to your appointment, on a weekend, when the spa is booked rock-hard.
I know it seems awfully likely that the spa was built that day just for you. And anyone else in your vicinity was put there merely to serve you.
You’d be wrong.
This was your treatment schedule:
4:00-5:00 – massage
Arriving at 4:40 and demanding your entire massage time…doesn’t really work. For anyfuckingone.
I had another client at 5:15.
And the esthetician had another facial at 6:30.
Should we have pushed the entire spa schedule back 50 minutes and fucked everyone in the eye just to accommodate you?
But as nasty a puss as you were, this was what kicked me in the teeth the hardest:
Clients blow their noses all the time during massages. It’s normal.
What’s not normal is throwing the used tissues on the floor during and after the massage.
Were you ‘raised’ in a box on the street?
Was your mother a beaver or some kind of farm animal?
I’m sorry you’re not hot anymore. And sweet jesus, you were. Sucks for you.
No reason to treat me like shit because of it. I had nothing to do with it.
I originally wrote that celebrities make the worst clients, but that would be flattering in some way when the truth is:
there aren’t many places Steven Tyler’s dick hasn’t been. Congrats on that huge achievement, Bebe. Hold on to it. Tight.
To get you up to speed; I have been browsing jobs on Monster.com requesting that they send me emails with new jobs that match my search entry of Spa Manager.
The following are some of the emails I received with what monster.com has concluded are good matches for me.
Sous Chef North Carolina State Univ. – NC-Raleigh – Posted: 7/13/2013
Monster seems to be pushing this culinary vocation. I’m not sure why. They never even tasted the meatballs.
Product Specialist Camping World and Good Sam – Fayetteville – Posted: 7/15/2013
Somehow I am now qualified to sell fishing tackle and possibly guns.
Maintenance Engineer Full Time La Quinta Inn & Suites Charlotte south – NC-CHARLOTTE-28217 – Posted: 7/16/2013
This is getting a little insulting.
Route Sales Representative – Foodservice, Hospitality Job Ecolab – NC-Asheville-28801 – Posted: 7/17/2013
I couldn’t even tell you what this was at gunpoint.
HRIM Specialist North Carolina State Univ. – NC-Raleigh – Posted: 7/18/2013
No idea what this is. I thought it might be fun to guess so here are my top 3 guesses:
Hot Racist International Mechanic
Hairy Racked Immigrant Magician
Hobbit Rabbit Instant Messenger
Software Sales Executive- Mid Market- CorporateVocus – NC-Morrisville-27560 – Posted: 8/5/2013
No, I couldn’t be kidding less.
As amusing a ride as this has been, I’m going to both unsubscribe and send them an email without judgment.
As if that’s possible.