Have a seat – somewhere else.

67daa883b34d7962f686cca05816c9cdChair massage is a method commonly used to perform massage therapy in a seated position while a client is clothed.

These are a few benefits for therapists:
– in my experience, most of the chair massage events offer an hourly fee if sponsored by the spa you are employed by.
You are paid whether you’ve got a fat ass in the chair or not.  Score.

– almost every event I have ever worked offers alcoholic beverages of some sort to its customers.  It is a terrible idea to work while intoxicated which is why I do it whenever possible.
As long as I’m not vomiting on anyone or making out with strangers, I do not see the harm in partaking in small amounts of mind-altering substances especially, if not exclusively, on the company’s dime.

– it is not as physically challenging as a full body table session.

– you are guaranteed to get new clients.

– you can pretty much tailor the seated massage time to whatever your inebriated heart desires.

The following is a smattering of suggestions for ‘clients’ getting chair massage:

– a 10 minute chair massage IS NOT in any way imaginable an opportunity for you to address that whiplash you received in that 10 car pile up last week on the Long Island Expressway.

– if you are looking to experience a professional massage for the first time, this is an acceptable method of learning whether or not you like the idea of being touched by

– do not drop your 300 lb. hugely muscular frame in my chair and become a demanding fool mistaking this dip into a pool of relaxation for a free deep-tissue therapeutic massage or there is a small chance I will tie your shoelaces together and yell fire.  I’m gonna be hating on you so hard, your momma’s gonna feel it.

– you may offer the therapist a tip for this service but you are not required to do so.  I am one of the few therapists who actually prefer not to be tipped in this situation.  It seems tacky to me (ducking tomatoes from every other fellow massage therapist on the planet).

Many therapists are not thrilled with the idea of performing chair massage because it is not something we were taught in massage school.  Funny how that doesn’t stop them from offering $10 blow jobs because, unless I was absent that day, that wasn’t in the curriculum either.