FB & The Liar Liar Birthday Client/Client Stories

The following is a fucked up ghetto scam to get a free massage at a spa.
This is a true story. I was the therapist who had to work on this lying scunge.

-First call the spa to make sure all the massage therapists are booked at a certain time (small spas are best because they usually only have one or 2 therapists on a shift) Weekends are the busiest.

-Buy birthday balloons.

-Find accomplice to get you in who will, no doubt, use the fake birthday balloons at a different spa later that day.

-Act giddy & excited upon arrival for your special birthday treat.

-At check-in, announce that you are there for a ‘birthday massage’ from your sister or friend (who is accompanying you)

-Staff is flustered because you are not on the schedule.  They will immediately believe it was their error because it usually is (yeah, that’s gonna come back to bite me on the ass in the very near future). Who would make up such  a story?

-Enter, ass kissing, clueless manager who buys into your story without a second thought (the manager doesn’t take into consideration that there is no way that these ‘scraps’ would book at their high-end, trendy spa in Soho)

-Bump already booked client because she has no balloons.

-Get a complimentary massage to compensate for the blunder & throw on an additional free massage to use at a later date for absolutely no good, god damn reason.

-Live with yourself.


Shitty co-workers

I’ve worked with some real bitchtards in my life.  Some of the worst have been during my stint in the spa industry. I know… you think we’re all enlightened, spiritual beings, who wear Birkenstocks & braid eachother’s hair because our jobs are housed in candlelit, serene atmospheres with soft music playing and people drinking tea and shit.
I have grown considerably in the years since my first spa job.  I can’t imagine how I would have survived this long if I hadn’t changed my attitude.  I used to be an incredibly angry, annoying, overly sensitive, nightmarish shrew.  Now, at most, I’m annoying & whiny but the angry shrew thing was getting me nowhere so I left it behind and have never missed it.

Just a few examples of what it looks like behind those closed, charming spa doors:

*I worked with one aesthetician who would take all of the small towels from the clean laundry in the morning and lock her door when she went out to lunch so we couldn’t have any.
*Therapists would steal the receptionist’s passwords so they could get into the computer system and move the more expensive & easier treatments to their books.
*Many of them would start their clients late (as much as a half hour) and give them the full time, even though the client had additional treatments and we’d all have to either start everyone late or cut their massages short which had a ripple effect on the entire day.
*Inappropriate chatter from co-workers I didn’t even know.  I once made the mistake of informing a new therapist I was adopted (when she mentioned wanting kids). She responded by revealing that she was a child of rape and was thinking of committing suicide. My only hope was that she followed through before our next scheduled shift together.
*Takers.  Co-workers who ask for free massages & facials consistently offering nothing in return.  First day on the job, a new manager sent her minion to my room to let me know she wanted me to give her a massage. A free massage. Someone I met 16 minutes ago!  I decided the best course of action  was to simply disappear.  Hiding in the hair salon became one of my regular safe havens. I learned early on that once you start working on people for free, word gets around and you become more used than a Kardashian’s pusshole.

I used to just dread the days I worked with dim-witted stale twats. I’ve since found that it’s too stressful & it affected me on such an intense level, that I simply just dropped those shifts.  I’d rather make less money on a slower shift than deal with the frustration of wishing people would die and them not doing so.
One of my favorite awful therapists was completely insane and not in a fun way, like the girl who would fill her water bottle with vodka to drink in the room. (I learned about that one shocking day when I was extremely thirsty and grabbed it to take a swig).  This one left in the middle of  a couple’s massage – BECAUSE SHE WAS HUNGRY.

How was I able to become this wise, sophisticated, accepting being?
Kidding. (partially)
Therapy.  Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to be precise.  I sadly learned that not everything is about me and every situation has 2 truths. (at least)  There is usually a decent reason people behave poorly.  It doesn’t make it ok, it just makes life bearable.

Any shitty co-worker stories to share?


Does this massage make my ass look fat?

While doing hand massages for a spa event last week, I came across a lovely guy who really enjoyed his. However, he admitted that he wouldn’t get a full body massage because he hated his body.  You can’t imagine how frustrating that is
(It’s comparable to finishing Breaking Bad (twice) and having to wait until next summer for new ones).  I tried to get him to book with me, knowing one massage session with my non-judgmental hands would ease his inhibitions.  I’ll let you know if he comes in.

I found a link to a great massage blog post on Reddit, while posting a question asking if anyone thought Glenn Close was attractive in “Fatal Attraction”, because I have a life, I swear.  This therapist’s views mirror my own and I thank her for writing them down so I don’t have to.

Bullshit aside, who really likes their own body?  A select few.  Is it ridiculous? – of course it is, but we all seem to love being ridiculous.

I blame it all on Olivia Wilde.  It seems only  fair that if one person gets to look like this, we should either all look like this or all look like Glenn Close (my opinion now disclosed).

What would it take for you to trust that you are not being judged at all by a massage therapist?

Would it make you feel better if the therapist were also overweight?  Many spa websites have pictures posted of their therapists.

How many of you will not get a massage because you are uncomfortable with your bodies?

FB gives an Aroma Wrap/Client stories

I am a jackass.  No question.  I try not to be, but that’s an unrealistic goal, so I just go with it and have learned to laugh at myself along with everyone else.

Keep in mind that the only reason I can laugh at this now is because the client was not injured in any way.

An acquaintance came into the spa, & when she recognized me she was absurdly excited & began following me around.  It reached the point of her opening the door while I was in a massage session to wave at me. I tend to attract the crazies.  With warrant, to prevent further nonsense, I locked the spa door. We never lock the spa doors and after this incident, I never did again.

My next client was getting an aroma wrap.  Flannel sheets are folded and placed in a hydrocollator (a liquid heating device that is used to store hot packs, towels etc). Temperatures can reach up 170 degrees.  You need to wear heavy rubber gloves to remove the sheets and unravel them on the table. You can not sit on the table immediately or you will burn your corn shit ass. I hope by now you are beginning to understand how insanely hot this is.  Moving on…
I added some essential oils to the blankets to promote relaxation and because aromatherapy, in itself, is wonderous.  I wrapped her tightly until she became a live mummy. I covered her eyes with cold compresses so, basically, she was my bitch.
I usually do not leave the room during any body treatments or I leave the door ajar so I can hear them if they need something. I told her I was going to get her some water and at the singular moment the door closed, I remembered I had fucking locked it from the last treatment!!!!  I locked a client in a room who was trapped on the table and couldn’t move or see.  Panic set in and I began running around the spa in search of the spa director who I desperately needed to have a key to the treatment room. As I was sweating, hyperventilating, and close to shitting my pants I found her enjoying lunch with the rest of the staff.  I was glad I could provide an enormous amount of amusement for them as they couldn’t contain their complete joy over this situation. The spa director had no idea where the keys were since no other morons had ever locked those doors and she didn’t need to know where they were.

How long?
25 minutes.  Pause here to leave room for deserved judgment.
Oh, like you’ve never almost killed anyone.

I am not sure how I was able to re-enter that room, keeping my composure, while pretending there wasn’t a god damn thing wrong. The truth was, she absolutely could have lost consciousness. Absolutely.
The client mentioned that while in the wrap, it was getting really hot and I told her it was necessary to help remove toxins from her body.  Boom!  Nice save.

Hey, cut me some slack – she enjoyed the treatment and I learned an important lesson.

Afterwards my co-workers and I were making a list of what I could have done in that perilous situation. My favorite was an option to knock gently and say “O.k., Meg, here’s the situation, you’re gonna need to start rocking yourself back & forth until you pick up enough momentum to fall onto the floor and wiggle your way over to this door because I locked you in.”

I am not proud of my incompetence, but it’s really nothing compared to the time I left an electric blanket on the treatment table, in the wet room, while giving someone a vichy shower treatment. Yes, it was on and yes, I could have electrocuted the both of us.

I told you I was a jackass.

FB & the young girl/Client stories

Definitely my saddest client story.
The girl was 11.  I’m pretty sure most NY spas
have a minimum age requirement of 18 years old
unless a parent/guardian is in the room during the
massage. Some places are not strict with that policy,
especially if their financial goals need meeting.

The girl was brought in by her nanny, whom I spoke with
before the massage.  She told me that the girl’s mother had
just died and she wanted to do something nice for her.

She was the sweetest, most delicate thing.
I’ll never forget walking down the hall with her.
Her spa robe was dragging on the floor
because even their smallest size was tremendous
on this tiny creature.

I massaged her while attempting to hold in the extreme
sadness I felt for her loss and also appreciating the kindness
of her devoted caregiver trying to ease some her pain.

Sometimes a therapist can’t put up that emotional barrier we often
employ to work with the challenging personalities of clients,
because we are human.  At times it actually benefits
the client if we allow empathy and sympathy into our work.

This wasn’t one of those times.

I’ll always remember that girl and the silence that filled
that hour.  The hour that seemed an eternity.

Are there seriously acupressure points that can cause a miscarriage?

It depends who you ask.

Since this is my blog, I am assuming you are asking me, so no.  I think it’s a load of horse shit.  Jesus – that was a pretty big statement to own.

I believe in the general philosophy & benefits of Shiatsu massage (this link takes you to a very basic & simple understanding of Shiatsu).
I’ve taken Shiatsu classes in massage school & it is an amazing form of massage therapy. However, when they warned us in massage school to never press on certain acupressure points because it may stimulate the uterus and cause miscarriage, I was smothered by a truckload of skepticism. 

The absolute BEST massage I’ve ever experienced in my life was a Shiatsu session in a spa in California.  I don’t remember the name of the spa since it was over 10 years ago and my long term memory is only a distant memory.  I absolutely lost my mind the other day when I forgot the date my daughter was born!  I knew it was in May and it had a 2 in it but it was gone – I almost called her dad to find out, but realized I was risking him having me committed, or even worse, not being committed. Back from squirreling (I can’t help but giggle every time I use that term now), the massage… what I do remember is this – I was initially surprised because I never had a Shiatsu massage on a table, and assumed it would suck.  I was never more wrong about anything in my life.  (Wouldn’t that be awesome if that seriously was the biggest thing I was wrong about in my life?)  This therapist moved around the table like a whirlwind. One minute he was working on my feet, then hopped over the table to stretch my neck – it was insane!  When I got up off the table, I felt drunk ,without the nausea & vomiting.  I couldn’t drive.  I was in the heaven I don’t even believe in.

HOWEVER, do I believe that by pressing on certain pressure points on the body you can expel a fetus?  No.  No I certainly do not.

And I am considering conducting a nationwide search to find the ignorant douchebag who wrote this claptrap of complete garbage:
“How to use Acupressure to Complete a Miscarriage”.
There are a few things about this article that are causing me complete distress.  One of them is the nonchalant manner in which it is written. It could easily have been a guide on How to Fold a Paper Airplane, rather than a step by step guide on How to Kill Your Unborn Child.  My absolute favorite part of this entire outline is this:

Things You’ll Need

1-  Pencil with eraser on end (preferably used, as tip should be rounded)

(Are we assisting our 5 year olds in an elementary school project for the science fair?! Should it be a #2 pencil?)
The following was also amusing:

Tips & Warnings

  •  This method isn’t guaranteed to work. It is believed that these two points in acupressure may cause miscarriage. If it is vital that you not have a baby (ex. you may die if you give birth) then you should probably just pay for an abortion to be on the safe side.

I am not claiming, by any stretch of  the imagination, to be an expert on acupressure or miscarriages/abortions (although I could be) (wow, that’s gotta be too much information for possibly everyone); If simply applying pencil/finger pressure on points on the body could possibly expel a fetus, wouldn’t it be a HUMONGOUS, widely accepted, alternative to the traumatizing experience & expense of getting an abortion?
Please advise me if I am incorrect.

In fact, I am informally begging you to.

Neck & eye pillows

Buckwheat neck pillows feel fantastic, especially when they are warm & scented.  And NOT shared.  Buy one, take it home & do what you’d like with it.  It’s yours – you can lick it, pee on it, jack off with it, etc.  However – when you use it in the spa, keep in mind that right before you take that item out of the hot towel cabi and put it on your sweet clean skin, 12,000 people have also used that same pillow.  The ‘Turban Guy’, the ‘Herpes Client’, and even ‘Abu’ have most definitely enjoyed the same sweat, bacteria & fungus you are now basking in.  Enjoy.

And I’m not a big fan of the eye pillow at all.  They are annoying & boring.  They fall off your face if you turn your head, and the scent lasts for 3 days if you’re lucky.

*Therapists – if you would like to use a heated neck pillow on your client while they are face down on the table, place it on top of the flat sheet covering them so it doesn’t directly touch their neck.
*Important tip for keeping your neck pillow infused with aroma for as long as possible – store it in a large ziploc bag when not in use.

Take a bath

I am constantly advising clients to take hot baths.  It’s similar to telling someone to drink more water.  Everyone knows it’s good for them but no one does it.  Why? Because it seems too cheap & simple to actually have any true, beneficial value.  It also requires a small amount of labor.  People don’t like that part.  I’m pretty sure if you came home from work (or in my case – nothing) and someone had cleaned your tub, went to Duane Reade and bought their Eucalyptus or Lavender Epsom Salts (not the ‘W’ brand/the Duane Reade brand-$5.99), filled a bath with hot water & lit a candle – you’d be able to undress yourself and get in.
Epsom salts are a cheap bag full of miracles.

I promise you that sitting in a hot bath for at least 15 minutes will change your day.  I give you my word; a genuinely FREE guarantee.
I’ve had days where my body felt completely broken, a wreck, a pathetic tragedy, but after forcing myself to get into a hot bath I got out feeling remarkably repaired & rejuvenated! (enough to judge myself for not doing it more often)

FB and the polo player/Client Stories

There have been times in my life where I’ve felt like a whore.
And not the good kind where you get compensated with cash or gifts.

It’s one thing when you’re a tramp in your personal life because you feel as if you have some control.  You can at least pretend that all those back seat blow jobs served some greater purpose.
To quote Julia Roberts “I say who and I say when…”.

When you are tricked into doing gross things, it’s a completely different story.

He was a massage client named Abu.  I’m not sure how suspicion escaped me when he told me he was a polo player and needed work on his groin.  Did I not notice that my Aunt Lillian looked more like a polo player than this guy?
He was a black man in his fifties with a huge gut but once in that treatment room, you tend to believe anything the client tells you because you have no reason to doubt them. You’re also on a kind of auto-pilot.

I was the 4th therapist to work on this guy in 4 days.  He was coming in every day for either a 90 minute or a 3 hour massage.  I heard chatter around the water cooler that there was something creepy about this guy, but his incredibly generous
cash tips seemed to either balance the scales for the other therapists, or they just aren’t as sensitive as I am.  When a male client asks you to work on their groin, hips or abs, you better snap the fuck out of your ‘spa head’ & turn on your perv radar.
No, obviously not ALL men are perverts. Oh, who am I kidding, yes they are.

Not sure why I continued the massage after Abu sat up and started instructing me how to work on his nipples. Of course he did.  He demonstrated with 2 fingers on each nipple in a circular motion.  How is this a real person?  Who seriously behaves like this and  still likes themselves?  I guess the same guy who also lies about being a polo player to get girls to touch his ‘naughty bits’ and then tries to get out of paying for all of his massage treatments.

How do you massage someone’s groin for 90 minutes?  You pretend he’s a normal person & needs therapeutic care instead of the creepy douchebag he truly is.
I actually used this experience to attempt to overcome my fear of perverted male clients. For the record – It didn’t work.

After placing his leg in a ‘figure 4’ position to get full access to the area of concentration, I draped the sheet amazingly tight under his ass to prevent his junk from spilling out.  I was initially confident & proud of my expert draping which sadly didn’t last long.  Shortly after I began stripping his groin muscles, Abu, obviously dissatisfied with my attempts, decided to instruct me how he wanted it done. He took his own hand and began jiggling his inner thigh until the contents of his package had ‘oops’ fallen out onto the table.  I aggressively took the sheet, scooped up his saggy parts & tucked them back in.  Thank god that only happened again four additional times.  What?  Why would I continue?  Are you seriously waiting for a good reason?  If so, you will be sadly disappointed.  I finished the massage but just began the process of hating myself in tremendous amounts.

My understanding as to why he tipped me $200 was simple…
I was the ninny who came the closest to finger fucking him.