The Client List and a fuck you to J. Love Hewitt

No, I don’t really hate J. Love Hewitt.  The fuck you is really intended for the ignorant
logheads that came up with the idea to create such a shitty show as “The Client List”.
It is understandable that she is a blatantly talentless actress that needs to grab any
job offered to her because let’s face it – her phone isn’t ringing off the hook especially
since it’s not 1985 and we don’t use phones that have hooks anymore. If she didn’t have
those tits, she’d totally be working at Target.

They try to prepare you in massage school for inappropriate encounters with clients.
I think they spent 4 minutes on the topic during a Professional Development class one day.

I’ll never forget my first unseemly encounter.  I was working at the Aveda Spa
on West Broadway.  This guy whom I will refer to as Marvin came in. I recognized
him from the week before. Short balding guy with glasses, wearing a cheap suit with
pants pulled up to his nipples, carrying a briefcase. I remember how uncomfortable
I was giving him his last massage because he put his hands under his body while lying
face down and he was moving his body a lot.  I was fresh out of school, I was nervous
and naive and decided to ignore it.  I also thought I may have imagined the whole thing
and he was innocent.  Well, this time I planned ahead.  I started out by placing
his arms far away from his body to see if they would end up underneath him again.
They did.
I reacted as the strong, confident woman I am.  I took my hands off of him,
ran out of the room crying and told the security guard and my manager while
cowering on the floor in a corner of the office. The guard entered the room, told
Marvin to get dressed, leave the spa and never come back.  I was crying and shaking
the entire evening.

Let me explain why…

When I am giving someone a massage, I am under the assumption that they
do not have a penis.
Once they introduce a penis into the mix, the experience becomes sexual and
that’s just fucking horrifying.


What to wear/not to wear to get a massage.

Gentlemen, please don’t wear long shorts or underwear that reaches your knees during your massage.
Just don’t.
I understand that you’re a bit shy & believe me, I love that you are shy
because that means you aren’t expecting a blow job but it also means that I will
not be able to massage the entire top portion of your leg.
And if you were contemplating wearing your wet bathing trunks on the table during
the massage, I urge you to rethink that decision as well.

The John Travolta thing

This John Travolta story sounds like it could be bullshit however I do know for a fact (from a massage therapist friend who worked at the hotel at the time)
that he was banned from the Peninsula Hotel Spa in NYC due to inappropriate behavior.

Gender preference for massages

Don’t be a puss.

Unless you’re looking for a happy ending with your massage which is first of all…ewwww and second of all not going to happen in a reputable place,
it is a very good idea to request a male therapist if you like a stronger massage.  Men are physically stronger than most women I’ve encountered.
(except the Asian women in the Tui-na salons)(they’re just freaks of nature)
Don’t get me wrong…I know plenty of women who can kick your ass and give your body a beating but believe me, they are cursing you under their breath.

Female massage therapists are more often requested.  I can’t count the shifts where poor Lars(not a real person – I mean somewhere he is but not here)
was sitting in his spa room playing Scrabble on his iphone for hours with no clients while Jenny got 6 deep tissue ‘female request’ clients.
This sucks for everyone. Lars has to limit his gym membership to one gym because he can no longer afford the premium membership;
Jenny wimpers on her way to the bank with her low back in spasm to deposit all the money she’s made and you – poor client – have just spent
your allotted monthly spa allowance on a massage that was probably good but could have been much deeper with less effort with Lars
because you didn’t want a man to touch you.


– “Don’t be afraid to hurt me”

– “Go as deep as you want” (as deep as “I” want? ’cause I’m gonna be honest : that’s going to be a lotion application)

– “Don’t worry, I can take it” (I usually respond with “I’m not worried. I hate you.”)

If you are a male and the only available therapist is male but you think he’s going to fuck you, get over yourself.